Our boys are aged 4 and 9. David, the eldest, has asked the ‘where do babies come from’ question in the past and we explained that mummies and daddies have a ’special cuddle’ where the daddy gives the mummy a ’seed’ that makes her egg grow into a baby (aye, I know it’s shite, so bugger off and stop laughing – it’s the standard answer that the book tells you to use, so shut it, right). This was quite some time ago and the subject has never been raised again by him. I’m sure that he knows the ’special cuddle’ line is a load of old bobbins but we’re leaving it up to him to ask for further clarification when he feels like it.
Anyway, the other day I was in the car with the kids and Stuart piped up with the question. I fed him the ’special cuddle’ line (praying that David wouldn’t pursue the subject at that point. What’s suitable info for a 9 year-old would probably baffle and terrify a 4 year-old) and he took it all in, with a sage look.
Later that night he was sitting in the living room in just his pants (don’t ask) and happened to glance down at his nipples. He looked at me very seriously and said ‘Mum, why do boys and men have nipples?’. I answered that all babies have nipples when they start to grow and then some turn into boys and some turn into girls (that’s actually true). He started to shake his head, ‘No, Mum, you’re wrong’, he says, ‘I know why men have nipples’. With a feeling of mounting dread I plastered a sunny smile onto my coupon and said ‘Oh right, tell me then’ (I canny explain how panic stricken I was. If you knew Stu, you’d understand).
‘The men have nipples because that’s where they fire the seed out of, into the lady, when they do the special cuddle’.
I was rendered mometarily speechless but rallied quickly (you’d all have been proud of me). He actually used the words ‘fire the seed out’. This conjoured up all kinds of images of sperm flying out of the nipples at high speed, screaming ‘BANZAI!!!!!‘ as they flew towards the waiting ‘lady’. I’m ashamed to say that I decided to pursue this further, (even if it led to eventual madness and despair) so asked him how he thought the seed then got into the lady.
‘Oh, the seeds shoot into the lady’s nipples and then crawl down into the tummy and grow the baby’.
Riiiiigght…But even then, could I leave it alone. Nope, I couldn’t. ‘So why do men need two nipples, then?’ says I. ‘Oh that’s if they want to make the lady have twins’.
So now you know.
17 Comments
January 10, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Makes perfect sense, really. Now we know.
January 10, 2009 at 7:52 pm
Hahahahaha Excellent I loved the twins bit.
January 11, 2009 at 12:13 pm
Brilliant Haha , you seem to have clever kids !
January 11, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Thanks Erin. Yes, it’s true, I do have the most brilliant and talented offspring on the planet (well, at least in MY eyes
)
January 11, 2009 at 6:06 pm
You need to keep posting these wee storys ! My mum just read it and was howling .
January 11, 2009 at 6:35 pm
Aw thanks, mrs. Say hi to your mum from me
January 15, 2009 at 11:06 am
Ahahahahahaha! Stuart is an absolute genius, I am ending myself laughing. You can see where he’s coming from though, he knows that something goes shooting out of somewhere…he’s just not got it quite right yet. Hahaha.
I don’t know what I’m going to tell Joe about this yet. I may just tell him that I got him from the Home For Ugly Babies, like my mum said to me.
January 15, 2009 at 11:56 am
Honestly Leona, he scares the shit out of me. You never know what he’ll say next. My lovely neighbour was in the other day and she innocently said to him ‘do you know how you can tell Ava’s a girl’. What she was getting at was that she was all dressed in pink that day, so therefore was clearly a girl. Unfortunately, the bold Stuart goes ‘YES, I know why she’s a girl. She doesn’t have a WINKY or BALLS!!!’.
The poor woman nearly fell off the couch. That’s the trouble with him having an older brother. David never knew such a word as ‘balls’ at age 4.
I laughed heartily at your ‘Home For Ugly Babies’ line. Think that must be where I came from LOL!
January 15, 2009 at 3:00 pm
Just seen the winky comment above haha. Reminded me of my mums friend who has a little boy at 4 , he was in a public toilet with his gran with a que outside waiting to get in when he scream “aggggggggggh nana your winky’s fellow off ” . The woman was mortified .
January 15, 2009 at 6:10 pm
Erin, that’s a belter!!!! David, as per most Scottish boys, calls it his ‘willy’ and Stuart calls it that too usually. ‘Winky’ was our word that we used when they were wee. Stuart still says ‘winky’ when he’s being polite (i.e. with the neighbour LOL)
January 16, 2009 at 9:09 am
Thats billiant he has posh words for his bits ! My sister when she was wee called her fanny , her “front bottom”.
January 16, 2009 at 9:26 am
My mum used to refer to my brother’s willy as his ‘wee bot’. I mean could you no just cringe and die, LOL!
My neighbour’s wee lassie calls her fanny her ‘daffodil’ hahahahahah
January 16, 2009 at 10:17 am
“wee bot”
) i have never heard that one before !
I work in the parkhead forge at the weekends and the todlers up here just call it their dick
January 16, 2009 at 11:45 am
Wahahahahahahahahaha – ‘dick’
Aye, it’s a better quality of wean that you get out at the forge.
January 18, 2009 at 2:06 am
My wee cousin went through a stage ( at about 3 and and half) of mispronouncing “biscuit” as “buttfecker”
I shit you not, ladies.
January 18, 2009 at 8:19 am
Hahahahahah – Stuart’s now got into the habit of saying ‘damn’ every time something goes wrong. He drops a toy and it’s ‘aw damn it’ or he’ll go up the stairs and realise he’s forgotten something and you hear him going ‘aw DAMN!’. He’s like and old man. Least it’s nothing more colourful.
April 30, 2009 at 6:26 pm
So I found this blog by googling the phrase ” why do men have nipples “. You are now one of my favorite bloggers. Your kids seem awesome. I have a 4 year old and a 7 month old…so hopefully one day my oldest teaches my son such wonderful things like winky and balls.