The view from my window. Well, kind of. Well, that's how I see it...
As anyone who knows me will confirm, I dislike being outside. Don’t get me wrong, I like the idea of ‘outside’, as an abstract concept it sounds pleasant enough. Fresh air, sunlight, the beauty of nature in all its magnificence. However, this time of year is a nightmare for me because the weather is getting better and the days are stretching, so I’m under tremendous pressure to drag my pale carcass out of the house. I know loads of people who LOVE ‘outside’. My Dad gets cranky and psychotic if he can’t get out at least once every other day. He favours interminable bracing walks over rough terrain (think Bataan Death March only without the humidity). Walks which seem to have no actual destination, just walking for walking’s sake. He thinks 6 miles is a ‘wee stroll’.
My problem with ‘outside’ is that it’s not cushy enough. It’s dirty. There’s no coffee. If it’s windy my ears get cold, if it’s damp my hair goes frizzy. There’s nowhere to sit and there’s nothing to do. And regardless of the season, it’s never, EVER warm enough. Except when it’s TOO warm which is all the times when it’s not too COLD.
In the summer I HAVE been known to venture out onto the decking armed with coffee, sunglasses and a book (provided the temperature is between 20 and 22 degrees and there is absolutely, positively NOT ONE BREATH of wind). As long as all I have to do is sit on a chair or lie on a sunlounger, ‘outside’ and I can co-exist quite peacefully for a few hours. Oh, and barbecues. I quite like barbecues – but that’s probably just because there’s food involved.
Aside from the aforementioned occasions, I prefer to enjoy outside from the comfort of inside. I liken it to the way you would view paintings in a gallery; savouring the spectacle, glass in hand, from the luxury of a soft and squishy chair. My only exception to this rule, bizarrely, is EXTREME weather. I love thunderstorms, howling gales, torrential rain, hailstones, tornadoes (OK the last one was a lie). The only thing guaranteed to get me running out of the house (aside from the smoke alarm) is the sound of the heavens opening.
I’ve come to the conclusion that there is cat and vampire somewhere in my genetic code. Roll on winter again.
9 Comments
March 17, 2009 at 4:39 pm
Again, you sound exactly like me.
Ootside is definitely overrated. Awright, there’s more ootside than there is inside but at the end of a hard day, you don’t go running away up a big hill or sitting in a field. You go hame.
I’m quite bad in that I sometimes have to be dragged places like a wean.
I sometimes like places when I get there and don’t mind it, but I’m usually looking at my watch wondering when I can go back inside.
And what you said aboot going oot for a walk, just for the sake of it…
I cannae cope wi that either. I need to know where I’m going, how I’m getting there, what I’m doing when I get there, how long I’ll be there, whether there’s toilets near it, when I’m coming back etc.
The other half likes these kind of walks. I remember when we first met, it was a nice day and we went oot for a ‘walk’.
“Where we going?”
“Just for a walk…”
“Aye… but where we walking to…?”
“Just…. oot. A walk, just a walk somewhere…”
Five hours later, still walking. It was a roasting day anaw.
The weather generally predicts whether I’ll leave the house or no. Obviously I have to go to college and stuff so if it’s raining I’ll just take a brolly and moan aboot it. But if I planned to go out and it had started raining, I wouldn’t go out in it. Fair enough if I’m out and it STARTS to rain, but I can’t leave the house if I know it’s raining.
I like big rain though. If it’s gonnae rain, it might as well chuck it doon, nae half measures.
I had to go oot the day and take a photo of something then draw it for college. It was this place:
National Museum of Scotland
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/b/b2/Museum_of_Scotland.jpg
To be fair, it was quite a nice day and I couldnae really be bothered going there to take one photo.
So I just ripped that aff the internet and sat and drew it here wi a wee cup of coffee and the telly on.
Is that bad?
March 17, 2009 at 5:55 pm
Hahahaha!!! – I was nodding enthusiastically to everything you said there. Doing the drawing in the house is exactly the kind of thing I’d do as well.
It’s the way folk look at you as if you’re a murderer, just because you canny get excited about being out the house.
March 17, 2009 at 6:17 pm
Exactly! ‘Staying in’ is the new ‘going out’ anyway.
The link between pale blue Scottish tan and being ootside may have something to do with it.
I am literally milk bottle white and have this weird intolerance to sunlight, bit like an albino. So even if it’s a nice sunny day, I’m trying to hide in the shadow of a bus stop or panting like a dug in a hot car.
I do like the beach though, anywhere along the coast. And my argument is that you don’t get to see the sea every day so I don’t mind the beach. It’s like I know where I am when I’m at the seaside. Anywhere inland I I feel like I’m just floating aboot on a map.
March 18, 2009 at 5:21 pm
I like the inside too especially in winter.I used to feel a bit guilty if I stayed in all day,then I started paying a morgatge and I thought I want to get my moneys worth so I stay in the house more.
March 18, 2009 at 11:22 pm
I’m gonnay sound like a complete fucken knob end but I LOVE the outside. I’ve been hill walking once when I was about 16 and I loved it with every inch of my body. I have never really had the chance to go back, well, in truth I have never had ANYONE to go with (it was Goat Fell in Arran) but if somecunt (not a murderer) said to me tomorrow (barring the extra person in fat I’m carrying) nothing would stop me from doing it.
I am going away to here http://tinyurl.com/d2mbnj for a mediumship seminar from Friday till Sunday with my wee mammy. I canny wait. Campie fells, countryside, open air. I canny. fucken. wait.
I have a major problem at the moment in that the thought of leaving the house to go anywhere/see people actually makes me feel like i am being strangled but that isny anythng to do with outside, its to do with seeing folk. See walking up a hill/country lane/open air on my own, nae cunt about…fucken heaven.
When I’ve lost a bit more weight, I am gonnay take advantage of the seemingly endless supply of bikes available on Freecycle and start going places on a bike. I used to have one when i was a young teenager, and i did karate…i was fit as fuck…..
see cakes? see cakes AND having weans? they can aw get tae fuck.
cheers for the rant. hope your ok Fiona…did you get ma email?
March 19, 2009 at 8:44 am
I know it’s off topic but do you fancy doing an online diet club?
I looked at myself in the mirror the other day and it made me feel sick.
It’s no a name and shame thing, just like a motivaton thing, swap recipes, gloat aboot losing half a pound etc.
I’m no getting enough exercise so maybe I should be going ootside a bit more.
March 19, 2009 at 1:04 pm
I like the outside but in small doses. I also have the milk bottle white gene so if it’s a sunny day I can actually feel myself starting to burn within about 5 mins of being outside. I have to scuttle for cover.
March 19, 2009 at 2:03 pm
Alanna – I got your email and I’ll reply later, hunners to say
. As for outside, you haven’t convinced me. Not at all. Not even a wee tiny bit. Naw. I mean right this second it’s glorious weather and I’m sitting here on the internet.
Hahahaha – up yours nature!!!!
BTW – You mentioned Freecycle and I was at my pal’s house today and another pal mentioned it and it was the first time I’d heard of it and now you’ve mentioned it too. Spooky.
TFP – Online diet club? Aye, I could probably go for that (although my weight-loss strategy is rather extreme. I just eat nothing.)
Leona – I am a big fan of factor 50
March 26, 2009 at 2:25 am
everyhin awright?xx